my conciliatory to fallacy

Tuesday, August 30

"i miss you, i miss you so far
and the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
made it so hard"
- Cemetery Drive by My Chemical Romance

memories of you will never fade away.

||my heart.bled||6:19 PM

Saturday, August 27
when yur out at town or just chilling anywhere with your frends & suddenly u act all emo & decide to sit in one corner thinking how lonely & pathetic u are guess again.cuz im here.alone.in this house not worthy of calling home.with no companion.when everyone seems to be avoiding u on this perfect sat which is suppose to be your great escape.nothing beats this tears.gez ill be trapped.for a long time.shud i?or shudnt i?just wash away all this tears with one last act that will set ripples in my stagnent water?shud i waste it all like that?shud i close the curtain in act of desperation?it seems so much easier.so many ways of ending this story.yet only one finale.only one trajic outcome......

||my heart.bled||7:39 PM

Friday, August 26
oh & id like to thank ika for the sweater.it made my nights of sleep easier by keeping me warm & whatever fragrance she uses on that thing, its heavenly.i snooze like a baby hugging & smelling it.thanxx.better remember to wash it seh.hur hur hur.

||my heart.bled||10:35 AM

so much to say after the camp.so much ive felt.it was ok.kinda bored at first as my group members were'nt adpted to the environment & team-mates yet.mann im still feeling the after effects of the fever.so weak to type.but what the heck.been wasting my hols at home cuz of my fever.luckily its not dengue.went 4 a blood test.back to the camp.my group was ok.quite a group.theres bob the ever so rebel but joker of the group, nurul who says shes no minah but acts like one.hakim the weighting balance.sina the cute little helpful hardwerking gal.ainn the strange morbid girl.khai the slenger dude who talks alot confidently but ends up being a wimp.zul the fag.hahaha.kason the brains that evryone was depending on too much.the rest were ok.but i enjoyed the nights there.sat by the pond or lagoon or watever its called till the wee hours of the morning with ika.laffed smiled.had alota fun with her.to me the best part of the camp was the nights & the last day.i miss it already.the full moon right above yur head,the un-empty sky filled with glittering stars & the occasional splashes of water from those mysterious fishes.ahh.it was brilliantly magnificent.she just took me away & brought me into her world.eventhough it was tiring & probabaly the cause of my fever,i dun regret having spent that time with her.kinda sad though that i dinn get to hang out with the guys but y include yurself when yur not being called in the group.might as well i went to someone who WANTS me for company.but im grateful that yan did remeber.just that i switched off my hp liao.

got sick on the last day.sway.my eyes as usual swollened up like i got beat up by mike tyson.wasnt in the clebrating mood.but i cried.yep.very emotional goodbyes.i liked them.cloud 9.hahaa.what a kental name.but at least we won 3rd prize!!im happy 4 them.their hardwerk & determination.though i beleive some dont deserve it.but were a team.bygones.floor was very emo too.poor floorina.hhaha.nak step mak saleh jer nama.haha.but i wana say thankz for helping me out.without yur help i dunt think i cud ever survive the camp & the kids.thanxx floor.

its strange that ppl only remember those forgotten when something happens to them.its sad.after all iv been through in life.the loneliness,the "family" i had,the ppl who call themselves my "friends" & as usual i always tot how worse can it get as it is.& reality slaps me right in the face.i was left behind.LEFT BEHIND.how many ppl get left behind?they doo when they are unable to cont their journey or when they are asked too.but i was forgotten.after all that happened,this had to happen to me.its the worst that ive been through.this is ubin for gods sake!!u talk about welfare & shit & u leave one of your ppl behind??talk is cheap.i cried throughout the whole journey of the ferry.yan was the only one who remembered.im grateful that he did.w/o him i think id kill myself on that island knowing that no one knows of my existence.it was very heart felt when yan cried seeing me that way.i cried even more.we talked till 830 wen we reached punggoll.tannxx 4 letting me open up.i din noe he knew so much about me that even i was surprised.but still.i AM INSIGNIFICANT.will always be....ill cry mysellf too sleep everyday.knowing no one understand me.but yet again as i write this her name pops up in my head.cuz she's the only 1 who ever truely listened & understood me.she was my journal.she's my poem.strange that after 19 yrs of my life it only took her a yr&8months or less to be one wih my heart...............

||my heart.bled||10:00 AM

Thursday, August 25
"one day when all the leaves will clear
all thats loved will be gone
for another broken heart will be kept
in silent from everyones fear

when he shall be abandoned
is when all will take notice
away from their busy lives
to see that he was once alive

regret not dear friends
for his tears roll down with pride
knowing that he lived a life
eventhough all that has been a lie

so he'll leave with one last tear
to say the saddest goodbye
throughout all this years
to say his first & final prayer"

||my heart.bled||12:23 PM

Saturday, August 20
i cant beleive im goin to ubin later!!4PM camp,and as a fasci.how coolness is that.first time to ubin.& ive not yet to pack my bags.haha.latrz.got home from goin out with ika.had fun but she seemed awfully quiet.worried bout her.met her after went to CMPB to defer my NS.im a free man!!for now...sat at espla & watched the moon rise.how beautiful it was,so big n perfectly rounded.flawless.it was a breathtaking view with the winds blowing & the relaxation of the calm splashing of the water.& she was beautiful like the moment.all dressed up with her wide eyes.she looked good.or in the words of the famous paris hilton "thats hot".glad she didnt change after the photoshoot.

alrighty then.juz finished talking with julz on the phone.shes sick.maybe a high fever.so worried bout her.hope she takes good care of herself while im away.wat the hell am i sayiing?so wat if im away or not.it doesnt matter.it never mattered.my existence is unoticeable to everyone.ok.enuff shity shitty bang bang stuff.g2g pack my bags.hope ive got enuff energy 4 2mro.pulau ubin.. are you ready for me??...here i come!!!!

||my heart.bled||12:44 AM

Thursday, August 18
One week.& it seems like eternity that ive not had her in my life.hmm.i just gt home frm werk & hanged out with her 4awhile at yan kun kaya coffeeshop.& sat at her bustop.oh how I wish she could have stayed longer."I miss those sparkling eyes of hers, her radiant wide sunny smile.her glowing face that puts the suns blaze to shame."it was so sudden when her bus came & she left.she turned & gave me one last smile.the one that she always does when were face to face in each others company.i tried my best to fight my tears when I saw her at werk.& again when it was almost closing time & they played Blues’ Breath Easy.ive never been so demolished in my life.& this is the most ive cried in my worthless 18++yrs of my life.god I wish I cud quit my job so I don’t have to hold back my tears.enuff said.i dun wanna break down again.anw went to ikas werkplace last 2 days.it was fun hanging out at IMM.kinda boring but it was kewl that we kept each other company.met my dad on mon after hanging out with ika after her werk.i took the last bloody train & it bloddyly stopped at ang mo kio.waited 4 159 but to my disappointment the last bus was gone.had to take taxi.640 gone.hahaha.boleh beli mc sehz.yez was even funnier.after lepaking at bukit batoks mc waited 4 157 to go home.luckily still gt 2nd last bus cuz it was like 1145.as I JUST boarded the bus.it broke down.hahaha.fuck.it was hilarious sia.im like some walking curse.haha.zan the walking evil omen.hahaha.luckily there was a last bus.days in skool are getting worse.im getting more & more lazier to go to skool.sucked at all my test.im so dead.1st semester & im already such a "model" student.sucky.i din get the bridge club leader.imran too.& loudmouth smelly johnny gt in..like WTF?!!just cause ppl have certain attitudes that doesn’t mean their not serious & hardwerking in other stuff.theres such thing as excelling in other then academic studies.shit hole stereotypes.been smoking a lot.but wat a rush it feels to have all that smoke go in u & out.4 that brief moment im in a werld of freeness of thinking.it sets a free.but 4 a moment.cuz wen the flames gone.& its filter is all that’s left.all that im left with is an empty pocket & a snap back to reality.i really wanna meet the dude or dudet who invented cigarettes & kick their bloody ass.or shove a decades worth of cigarettes in their heart & lungs & see how rich itll make them.

what the hell.im such a hypocrite.lets go smoke.yok…

||my heart.bled||12:31 AM

Tuesday, August 16
something i came up with.inspiration from nothingness.

"Im the superman of your dreams & you'll be the unicorn in my nightmares,
& fly off to eternity with a pass to a night in the milky way.
riding the airwaves of radio play & pretend to care,
what others might say when in fact we'll just smile
& gaze at each other with other intentions.

I miss our times that its just you & me against the world.when its just our universe even in a room crowded with people.
When our feet will stay strong in the ground as tornados wreck havoc along our golden brick road.
I miss killing myself & you giving me air to live.i'd like to live again one day.
To be resurrected again to relive life with you.because i would live a thousand lives,
just to be with you
oh just to be with you"

this song is nice.i cried listening to it.

"Lifehouse-You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

||my heart.bled||2:58 AM

Sunday, August 14
"jump!!jump!!jump!!can u see the light behind me??".im listening to a bullet for my valentine-just another star.nice song.anw im werking latr so i tot id update ma blog.yesterday was a blast.went 4 the 4PM meeting.it was ok.but i was so nervous seh.haha.then went to jam.jamming was fun except regret using aidils mic cuz it was all too bassy & shit.shud have used mine.but it was kewl.didnt go to the gig at mica yez cuz went to lepak with zur,irwin,ain,hazman.iman,aidil & ana joined us later cuz they went gaming after jamming.it was so farney playing stupid games that make u look dumb.i was so stressed out at first.so many thoughts of her.kept smoking like shit.one after another.but im glad i had fun.i missed chilling out with them.hope to do it again.arrghhh.i miss ite mp.i miss the ol times.i miss her.damn.im shaking again.i need to smoke i think.we lepaked,laffed & took pictures till late.1140 or so.we were so kanchong that we might not have buses or trains home.but it was well worth it.long time i never kecoh like that.felt dizzy & wanted to vommit wen i gt home.lots of smoke & bus rides dun go well together.got home.rested & talked to ika till 630am.like wow.drank 2 cups of coffee seh.i drank one in the morning & still i cudnt control my eyes.coffee aint werking fer me.it never has.but wat the heck.i like the taste.haha.im so confused ryte now.i dun wanna hurt her.but enjoy having her for company.things are so complicated ryte now.i wish i cud close my eyes & transport into my own haven..

"ill pollute the air with my thoughts,
as memories of you i share,
watching the ashes burn,
reminds me of the fire we once had,
the passion that didnt die as fast as this fire,
but as the wind blows through,
reality burns me with the shock,
that these lights might one day go off,
holding ciggarettes in my hand,
hoping that it'll last & not fade away,
but like the wind,
it'll sweep pass you by & kill the flame.

||my heart.bled||3:08 PM

Friday, August 12
im home!!!juz got back frm the 4 walls gig at NYP.it was boring lor.cuz all metalheads.except 4 the last 2 bands that played,no direction & hamartia.they were power lor.give me even more semangat to wanna perform.shit ass sia.i wanna wreck havoc.anw went to meet ika at city hall after skool juz now.had fun as usual.laff till gt stomach ache.haha.farney gal.then went to the gig.hehe.made aidil wait 4 like half an hour.n he was like sick.haha.sorry dude.nick came late but in the end he join his puak.bleah.haha.nvm.jamming 2mro.training 4 cam 2mro morning.so stressed.so broke,so fast.stupid julia using my dads money.fuck her to hell.ok.so vulgur.go to hell.anw loads of chicks at the gig juz now.but saw her.melted.missed her.but ill have to try to not be that way.itll beat the purpose of all of this.but she looked beautiful as ever.arrghh

"We're going down, down in an earlier round
And Sugar, we're going down swinging
I'll be your number one with a bullet
A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it"
-Fall Out Boy-Sugar We're Going Down

||my heart.bled||11:46 PM

damn.in skool now.dbf test is moved to next wk monday.shud have talked to ika longer.haha.kerazy.met her yez.she came to tamp after drama & all we did is sat & drank 4 like half an hour.we had to leave early cuz she had to go home.sent her.farney stuff in the train.haha.cant beleive she gt a prank call from triumph asking her kerazy questions.slenger nyer budak.but had fun.always.had a major migrain actually yez.afta the stupz naphfa.damn i failed juz cuz of my stupidity that i walked on the last 2 rounds during the 2.4.damn sia.i actually did great 4 the other stations.well bygones.anw theres a gig today at NYP.going with nick.actually wanna go meet ika.but...ermm.ntah ah.see how it goes.no direction & hamartia playing.datll be kewl.off to werk skool werk now.peace.

||my heart.bled||10:07 AM

Wednesday, August 10
"a year has passed, the seasons go"

im crying now.its been such a long time since i wrote here.yesterday was magical.& it was the last most magical night il have with her.time will tell & only fate will decide to bring us together again.i miss her already.i cant stop crying.my tears are like rain drops in the most worst storm in the century.we sat where we first started our 1yr 8months & 9days of the most beautiful love story, that ive been privelaged to be one of the main actors in.beside her.we sat there till 130am or so.& ill never 4get singapore river.ill always think of her whenever i pass that place or even go near it.im so grateful that ive got a chance to meet her.the only person who really understood me,who really for once listened to me & the only person i opened up so much to.theres not one person i opened up to other then her.heck i dun even tell myself the things i tell her.she gave me hope.she gave me everything i never had.she gave me life.im lost for words.this is hard cuz its the first time that im ending a realtionship & im not angry or frustrated or i feel betrayed.im sad.heartbroken.lost all meaning to live.im shaking.ive lost control over my body.its so hard to type this.ive kept stoping & typing,stoping & typing.memories are lingering in my head.the fun,innocent,funny times we had.so irreplacable.her dorkyness.her smile.......ill miss that.tinking bout that makes me cry even more.her smile that lights up my shadowy days.that smile was my saviour.my prescription to my lonely symptoms.my pillars for heavy boulders.the single thread that differentiates heaven & the reality of this world.my swan princess.my love.my life.ill never forget her.ill never forget us.i thank her.sincerely from the bottom of my heart.for letting me be the happiest man in the world.even if it was for a period of time.ill never forget that.she was..is the best ill ever have.our song that started it all.& hopefully one day will bring us together again....

-"Kissing A Fool"
You Are Far
When i could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death, and from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind,
Til you listen to your heart

People
You can never change the way they feet
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew i loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and ties
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe i'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But i'll never find
Peace of mind
While i listen to my heart

People
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will,
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart

And people
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew i loved you
We could have shown them all

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like i always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other

You are far
When i could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death, and from my heart
Strange that i was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

||my heart.bled||2:25 PM