| my diffident.self |
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name- does it matter.honestly?
year- 29091986 location- land of broken hearts. & shattered souls music- punk rock.hardcore.emo.metalcore. emocore.pop.jazz.oldies like Ritchie Valens contact- emokills187@hotmail.com screenname- emokills even as the world sharpens beneath me i'll just pretend & smile.but it doesn't matter cuz i won't been missed i'll just leave a letter" |
| setting my wings.ablaze |
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Wednesday, January 31 channel 5 is airing the new season of oc.actually it was airing it quite some time ago.& i thinks its the last episode today.all graduated & shit & stuff.heh.well last few episodes saw the return (or the short return) of ANNA STERN!!heheh.yes.Samaire Armstrong is back!!well..was..actually.hehe.although she has long hari now..like this  hahaha.no more short hair...like this...  hahaha.but nvm.still i love her so..hahaha.  awww.look.she's lookin at me oh so sweetly.hahahaha.get a life zan!!!!!!hehe k.enuff of my fantasy.lets get back to my REAL life.eh.wait.i dun have one.i need to get one.... oh how it feels like to be rejected & disappointed.i gez im slow in moving on.god i hope march wud be better for me.i can see feb already sucking like hell for me.forget valentines.yep.i know what i wrote in my earlier entry.but sometimes.things do get canceled.people do cancel off other people you know.its normal.so why dread over it right?yeah....right... ||my heart.bled||1:00 AM |
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Monday, January 29 yesterday.or shud i say on sat was such a hectic day.mentally actually.there were alot of people and that made it worse.i was supposed to go get the tixx 4 the match between singapore & m'sia.but apparently the very rude sales-counter person at the toa payoh stadium was very not helpful at all.so i tot id go to jalan besar stadium.gosh how i rgereted it.y?cuz i dint noe where it was.& where to alight frm the bus.in the end i got lost.so i had to stop sumwhere in the middle of nowhere.& then it rained.it just rained heavily!!wtf ryte??!!then i had to walk a very long distance to cross the bridge JUST TO GET TO THE BUSTOP OPPOSITE!!wat the hell.apparently for such a small road.with 2 lanes each.it seemed like the road was spitting out cars endlessly.& i mean EEEENNDDLLEESSLLLYYYY...sheesh..at least when i crossed over there was a bus that went straight to bugis.so i cud go 4 jammin.second combat & the geeks were actually playin on that day.it was so tempting to watch.but i know my priorities.i had to prove to myself that she's my top priority.not that i didn't know that already.but i just had to prove to myself again.after my jam we met.she looked so good.even with her new gold earings (which i dun wanna admit it kinda looks nice.hahahaha) i was kinda irritatin.i kept apolagizing for the sucky day.boy what a dumbass i am.we went to eat at tong seng.then we din noe where to go after that.& i guess its just me to feel so very apolagetic.so she suggested we go eat ice cream at Haggen Daz.her treat.again i felt so bad cuz she had benn treatin me for this couple of days.nvm.ill get back my revenge on valentines day.hehehee.yeah.she asked me out for valentines.not me leh.she.heheheh.proud hor?of course lah!!girl ask boy leh.not the other way round.haha.we wanted to sit at the big red couch but it was like fully booked.so we reserved the seats untill it was available.so while waiting we walked around raffles city mall.julz & her marks & spencer.tak habez2.hahaha.i dun wanna admit shez gettin more beatiful as shez becumin more "girly".hahaha.although i preffered her "heck-care" attitude.its nice to see her maturing beautifully.just like a butterfly.sent her home after our "dessert-supper" being able to feel her warm embrace in the bus was nice.even if it was for a short while. |
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Tuesday, January 23 im home from school.yes i did go school today.i guess i JUST learnt my lesson.its obvious we've known each other for sooo long that we can't lie to each other.heh.well this morning si julia asked me to teman her send amirul to KK hospital.he was havin a fever but he got so hot during the wee hours of the morning.it was like at 1am or 2.poor kid.he was shivering.coughing & loads of yellowed muckus dripped from his nose.i cant wait when that happens to me.no.not the yellowed muckus part.haha.i mean when i have a son & that i have to send him to the hospital in the morning.i remember my dad doing that when i was younger.i wanna give the love & affection to my son just like how my dad gave me.anw if not for his high fever i think we wud have been there longer.but we got off at 4.heh.it was so last minute that i wore a cap goin to the hospital.yes folks.a cap at 2am in the morning.haha.but id rather the hot nurses look at me wearin a cap, then my "UN-TAMED BELWITHERED" hair.haha.oh & YES there WERE hot nurses.soo faaaa-eeeee-yyy-aaaaa-nnnnn (fine) haha.anw the importnant thing is that im glad amirul is doin better............ |
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Monday, January 22 im sooooo confused.it hurts so much.sssooooooo ssoooooo much.i tot i had a good weekend.a better one.but.things fall apart.things don't seem what they appear sometimes.i really.reaally cant stop crying.sure.im ok wen im wit my frenz.but i cant.when im home.when im in the bus alone.thinking about her.thinkin about the 4yrs of knowing her.& 3 yrs of being together.it hurts.really deep.call me fuckin emo lah.but i really cant control my tear glands (if theres even such a thing) im tired.but restless.its like im soooooo tired & exhausted but i cant rest my body & mind.i cant accept it.i wont.but i have too.but i dont want to.arrrghh.im startin to tear up again.is this relationship not worth it?am i not worth it?i guess this life is not worth it.i guess my life is not worth it. |
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Friday, January 19 its like 6 AM in the morning & im still up.....was up from just now....cant sleep....haaiizz...i really really cant sleep seh....ive never been like this before........................................... |
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Usah Lepaskan – Taufik Batisah Yang terindah Terlukis di bibir mu Tak pernah ku lihat senyum mu Sebegitu Pudar kah sudah cinta yang ku beri Berwarna warni segala Yang dijanjikan ia Usah biarku bersendirian Usah biar hati mu di tawan Usah biar diri ku di sini Seorang menunggu tanpa teman Usah lepas genggaman tangan mu Usah biar semua berlalu Usah terlupa perasaan hati Pertama kali kita bertemu Usah lepaskan Tak mudah ku melupa segala yang berlalu |
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Thursday, January 18 aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh.i feel so miserable.so restless.so soul-less.heck im even typing with one hand ryte now.ive been so low lately.havn't been sleeping well.& because of that ive been missing school ALOT!!i didn't even go to school today & i had a test.wahlau!!aiyah.i dun even know wat to type already.no mood for anything sia.its like i lost my soul.literally.you know like when the creatures frm harry potter the "domentors" izzit?when they suck the life out of you?something like that lah.or whateva la.takde mood lah...k nvm later meet aidil & su.smoke like hell later. |
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Wednesday, January 17 "The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus-Your Guardian Angel" When I see your smile Tears run down my face I can't replace And now that I'm strong I have figured out How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one I will never let you fall I'll stand up with you forever I'll be there for you through it all Even if saving you sends me to heaven It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Seasons are changing And waves are crashing And stars are falling all for us Days grow longer and nights grow shorter I can show you I'll be the one I will never let you fall (let you fall) I'll stand up with you forever I'll be there for you through it all (through it all) Even if saving you sends me to heaven Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart Please don't throw that away Cuz I'm here for you Please don't walk away and Please tell me you'll stay, stay Use me as you will Pull my strings just for a thrill And I know I'll be okay Though my skies are turning gray I will never let you fall I'll stand up with you forever I'll be there for you through it all Even if saving you sends me to heaven  ol skool seh.one of the pictures we took together for the very first time =) ||my heart.bled||1:06 AM |
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Monday, January 15 i cant say this has been the MOST happiest day of my life.but its 3/4 there.hahaha.i gez some things need some time.but i can safely say im much more "happy-er" then i have been over the past few days.lifes not that bad after all i gez.haha.hmmm.hopefully i didn't speak too soon though.ill leave things in Gods hands.i really miss her.i miss her when she's not with me even for a second.i really do. |
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Saturday, January 13 stupid me.how could i think of such a thing.why would i think that she would still want to keep a savings with me??.i feel so god damn embarrased.what the hell sia zan.whats wrong with you man.great.because of that i had to put down the phone.it was so nice talking to her but i just couldnt stop crying after what she said.i cant stop.i just cant... |
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Friday, January 12 i just got home from going out alone.yes alone.now how long has it been since the last time i went out alone?sheesh.pretty long ago.well the motive of me going out today was to give roy the money for the gig tixx.su was there.but he went for jamming after i gave roy the cash.i told him i was going home.didn't wana seem like some emo kid if i told him i was going to singapore river alone.i took the train.so many times my eyes teared up.i was ready to cry.but i kept on holding back.thats the toughest thing.trying to hold back your tears.i mean rather then peopl looking at you cry in the train.but i cant say tears didn't run down my cheeks.as i reached singapore river nobody was there.as it was still drizzling.tot of sitting where we usually sit but it was still very wet.so i decided to sit under the cover of uob.as i sat there i looked over to my right.behind the pillar.where we used to sit.hangout & sometimes make out.haha.those were fun times.i looked at the beautiful scenery.which i wouldnt have known if not for her.it was nice.the cool breeze.the wet floor shimmering the lights from the lamp posts.the river sparkling like crystals bouncing off the lights from the shop houses.its was almost perfect.it would have been if she was there.i sat there.sms-ing her.listenin to my music.listening to these few tracks only, to be exact.thinking of the past.thinking of her.again trying & trying to hold back all the tears that came.so many times i cried.sitting there alone.watching.remembering.but time came by faster then usual.it was 10:17 so i tot id make a move.but then it started to rain again.luckily i had my cap on.the one she would always wash for me.so i walked in the rain.as i passed by i looked across the river.to the place where we sat & where i first asked her to be mine.it was closed.under renovation.i gez that place reflects us.its in change.so are we.saw a old couple crossing the cavenaugh bridge.he held her tight around his arms while sheltering her with an umbrella.i immediately smiled.wishing that wud be us one day.then as i walked by fullerton hotel.dreams of us being there pass by me.photos that we took there.the photo of her by the fountain.looking at people dinning there.my hands reached out.touching the walls of the fullerton imagining it was her as i walked by.the rain made it smooth.like her skin.i cried even more.i got to the traffic junction.i turned and gazed into the lights of the beautiful building.telling myself how much i miss you.how much i miss her.then i looked into the lights of the cars.they were so bright.then i noticed how bright the lights of fullerton were.its amazing how the lights look like when its raining.you can really see it glow.so brightly.even in the darkest night you wouldnt see it this bright.the rain was wonderful.walking in it i noticed i was the only one walking in the rain without an umbrella.as i watched couples share an umbrella, hugging each other keeping each other warm & cosy.i wish i had that.i wished i was with her.the walk on the bridge seemed neverending.but i was distracted by the beautiful lights that the esplanade & the river was emitting.even the construction sites gave out a lovely glow.i walked all the way to the bus stop behind esplanade where i took 56.while i was walkin inside espl i noticed this is the first time i didn't bother about my surroundings.ive always took out my right earpiece while walking to be more aware & cautious of my surroundings.but this time i had both on throughout the entire day that i was by myself.amazing.i liked it.walking home,well walking today i felt like a zombie.so resltless.so..emotionless.like im dragging myself.endlessly.ive never been this sad before.i guess cuz ive never been dumped before.& ive never cried this much before.i guess cuz ive never lost someone i love this much before.... |
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ive lost it.first i lost my bandmates.then money.then i lost my time..and now.the most valuable & most precious thing.ive lost her..lost it.all gone.ive lost my soul.my will.my desire.ive lost all meaning.i really don't know what i'll do.all i know is that i will wait for her.that i will love her just like i do, just like i did 3yrs ago, just like when i first saw her.oh.the first time.ill never forget the first time i saw her as she slowly strolled across the schools walkway towards the inet.giving off the most beautifull auro in slow motion.gosh what a dreamer.catching her in a hearbeat in slow motion.ill never be the same.ive lost a huge HUGE part of me.ive lost myself.to all guys out there.never make the one you love the most independant.never make her be able to stand on her own two feet.make her want you.all the time.make her NEED you.cuz once she's able to live on her own.thats when you're dispensable.i was born into this world when you came into my life.but now.as you leave it, i've died.. I Love You Nur Juliana Johari George Micheal - Kissing a Fool "You are far, When I could have been your star, You listened to people, Who scared you to death, and from my heart, Strange that you were strong enough, To even make a start, But you'll never find Peace of mind, Til you listen to your heart, People, You can never change the way they feel, Better let them do jus twhat they will, For they will, If you let them, Steal your heart from you, People, Will always make a lover feel a fool, But you knew I loved you, We could have shown them all, We should have seen love through, Fooled me with the tears in your eyes, Covered me with kisses and lies, So goodbye, But please don't take my heart, You are far, I'm never gonna be your star, I'll pick up the pieces And mend my heart, Maybe I'll be strong enough, I don't know where to start, But I'll never find Peace of mind, While I listen to my heart, People, You can never change the way they feel, Better let them do just what they will, For they will, If you let them, Steal your heart, And people, Will always make a lover feel a fool, But you knew I loved you, We could have shown them all, But remember this, Every other kiss, That you ever give Long as we both live When you need the hand of another man, One you really can surrender with, I will wait for you, Like I always do, There's something there, That can't compare with any other, You are far, When I could have been your star, You listened to people, Who scared you to death, and from my heart, Strange that I was wrong enough, To think you'd love me too. I guess you were kissing a fool, You must have been kissing a fool" thank you for the best three years of my life  I Love You ||my heart.bled||2:52 AM |
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Saturday, January 6 immmmm...boooorrrreeeeedddddd.............................. |
| my vestige.journey |
| scar.your words |
| dreaming.a reality |
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les paul guitar |
