| my diffident.self |
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name- does it matter.honestly?
year- 29091986 location- land of broken hearts. & shattered souls music- punk rock.hardcore.emo.metalcore. emocore.pop.jazz.oldies like Ritchie Valens contact- emokills187@hotmail.com screenname- emokills even as the world sharpens beneath me i'll just pretend & smile.but it doesn't matter cuz i won't been missed i'll just leave a letter" |
| setting my wings.ablaze |
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Saturday, October 21 i know its been very long since ive last updated my blog but i feel like right now i have no one to turn to.i mean i dun wanna burden anyone else wit my problems.i gez thats how i live and lived my life.i dun tell things to ppl.i dun share things.i dun bother to talk about my likes,my dislikes my views or anything in my life unless their brought up.i gez that’s just me.i gez I never had anyone close 2 share it with.anyone dat I cud trust.relate to.but I just felt like I needed to write.i always write with analogies but for now I feel like writing upfront.i had a fight with julz.a big one.one where I was filled with emotion,sadness,enomosity,confusion,depression,anger,heartbreak.i was so filled with emotion it was the first time since so long that I actually prayed to god to calm me down.aku baca doa selawat.never have I baca selawat in my life due to the emotion I was feeling.but I tot it wud calm me down.n apparently it did not.i gez that’s y I have little faith in god ever since I was a kid.or maybe it cud be of my own doing over the years of not having complete faith in him.i mean I do believe in him.i do believe in god.i respect and fear him.but what little faith I have in him.no offence to the people out there but that’s what has been with me since I was 7?8?or so.i dun know what to say.to feel.like a million ton of weights placed atop my shoulder.i just cannot understand y juli cannot appreciate fully what I have done for her.i cannot understand y she cannot remember the things I DID for her and wud so willingly DO for her again.y she wud put me off so wrongly if I did sumthing wrong or I didn’t do sumthing she wud expect me to do.is it becuz she takes it for granted?takes me always being there for her for granted and when I dun she decides to blame me for it?have I been there for her way too much that she expects for me to be there for her always.i mean dun get me wrong.I do WANT to be there for her all the time but alas we are all human and just like what aidil said to her a few years back that struck a chord, that I wunt be there for her always.that she cannot expect me to be there all the time.she understood that then.so y not now?or izit becuz she has always gotten what she wanted.n when she doznt she throws a hell of a tantrum n makes bloody sure ppl around her know shes pissed and gets a taste of her anger.im not putting all of the blame to juli as I know I am not a perfect bf.ive had my lower days.even my lowest.i know I haven’t been the best bf.but I try.i give her the space that she said she needs if she were to be in a relationship.we discussed that.and izit so wrong for me to put the pictures of us that I like in MY own friendster.is it not MY friendster?izit not MY taste.just like ppl who have diff taste in arts.the pictures that juli seems to like n I seem to like are diff.n no.itz not bcuz I looke more better looking then juli.itz plain simple English.I!!LIKE THE PICTURE!!for MY friendster.and to say I dun even speak a word of her or about her when im with my friends.how I wish I was s elf-righteous egoistical freak that wud shamelessly say “YES!!I do speak of you when I am with my friends”.how I wish I cud tell my friends to tell juli how much I love her n am proud of her.of how much I wud protect her if anyone to wud even dare say sumting bad about her.if only I had an ego the size of Jupiter.i wish she wud believe me.REALLY believe me at FIRST say.to believe me when I tell her something like she’s beautiful or when I want to do something for her instead of her thinking that im doing it cuz im her bf or cuz she said it first or cuz it seems like the right thing to do.i just want her to remember.think about what ive did for her.n think.just think y I wudnt do it for her again.just appreciate it.appreciate me.whole-heartedly.but again.im not saying im perfect.ive done my share of wrong doings.i know sumtimez Im not automatic or I dun do things normal bfs or a stereotypical person wud do.or sumtimez I dun give her a hundred percent attention that she wants but hell.i just wished she would really really look at the big picture |
| my vestige.journey |
| scar.your words |
| dreaming.a reality |
|
les paul guitar |
